


To the core

by stardhux



Series: Kylux Dumpster [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Romance, Hux is stressed, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, grand marshal hux sucked dick for his promotion, he doesn't know how to supreme lead, it's very soft, kylo is alone for the first time and desperate, loads of mind talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardhux/pseuds/stardhux
Summary: Everything was gone - Starkiller, the Supremacy, Snoke, half of the Order, Phasma.Hux struggles alone to get the Order running properly again, fighting his own nightmares and anxiety, until he isn't alone anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh lord this is the first time I'm publishing anything in ages, especially in English so I'm very anxious about this but I've had this whole fanfic planned ever since I saw TLJ (to be honest, even thought about some parts of it after TFA).  
> I hope Kylo doesn't seem too OOC in this, I love him dearly and I'll try to explain why he is acting like this in the future updates.

Flames. Smoke. Explosions and sounds of blaster fire going off. A breaking point.

Hux woke up in a gasp, sweat glistening on his forehead as he tried to regain his breath.

He glanced at the holopad on his side table and realised he had woken up in the middle of the night again, like he had almost every night since they had left the Starkiller Base.

The first weeks had been easier, his days so busy with hurried work and stressful planning that he had no time to worry about sleeping. 

The First Order had no time to waste on sleep.

But the First Order, the Supreme Leader, everything had blown up again right as Hux - the Order - had regained some hope to stop the rebels. 

Hux sighed, he felt as if every step closer was always wasted by the simplest of mistakes and mishaps. Rubbing his palms against his face, Hux left his bed and headed to his refresher where he stood in the sonic for longer than he needed, lost in thought.

The bloody rebels, the traitor, Skywalker, Ren - even.  Everything always went to ruins because of them. Everything Hux worked for, believed in and trusted ; the Order, the Supreme Leader, Phasma - 

Hux sighed, resting his forehead against the wall in his refresher. Phasma is - was - who Hux had always trusted the most. Friendships in the First Order were, to him, futile but he had  _ trusted  _ her enough and considered her an equal.

Hux tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat, a bitter taste in his mouth. He knew he’d left her to die as he ran to the Supreme Leader, like he  _ always  _ did. He had left her to die on a ship going down in flames.

Wiping the tears forming at the corner of his eyes, he finally left his refresher and went on to get dressed - his shift wasn’t supposed to start in another few hours yet he knew he had no reason to go back to bed as he would either have to face insomnia or more nightmares.

He grabbed his holopad and headed out, walking to the bridge of the ship and enjoying the silence that welcomed him. Only a few people were working during the sleep cycle and he was grateful he could enjoy the quiet as he sat down and started working. 

 

He had managed to get a couple of reports done when he felt something abruptly switching in the atmosphere. The few people around him tensed and hurried out of the room. 

Hux raised an eyebrow and turned off his holopad, glancing behind him. 

Ren. Obviously. 

Hux sighed slightly and put down his pad before getting up, turning around and leaning against the chair he had been sitting in, crossing his arms.

“Supreme Leader?” he asked, gritting his teeth at how wrong the words sounded. 

Ren lifted his head, looking somewhat startled for a second at Hux addressing him before he schooled his features into a blank stare. Hux still wasn’t used to seeing him without his mask - as stupid as it looked, it had always been a good way for him to avoid looking at Ren’s face when talking to him. Now he just looked too open, too  _ human. _

“General,” Ren said, almost whispered, “Aren’t you sleeping?” 

Hux just stared at him for a second, perplexed.

“There’s much to work on,” he finally answered, turning his head slightly to stare out of the viewport “I can’t afford to lose time on sleep.”

Ren took a few steps forward, still staring at Hux before he looked in the same direction.

“You won’t be much good for the First Order sleep deprived.” 

Hux frowned, lips twitching as he finally looked at Ren again.

“I don’t recall you ever caring about the First Order anyway,” he snapped “ _ Supreme Leader _ .” 

Hux knew the sarcasm would get him nowhere, if not thrown against a wall or laying on the floor gasping for air after being choked. But Ren had always gotten on his nerves, and as much as he had been able to avoid directly discussing with the man, he knew that he could snap at him at any occasion he had. Zoning out, he recalled his nightmares and worries. Feeling his hands shaking, he crossed his arms a bit tighter. 

“You seem distressed, General.” Ren said as his eyes shifted back on to Hux once again, voice soft and hollow. 

Hux bit his lip, feeling it twitch in anger again, and sighed.

“I believe I have the right to feel distressed,” Hux finally said once he knew his voice wouldn’t shake “After everything that’s happened.” 

“You shouldn’t hang on to the past like this, General. It won’t help the Order. We need to move forward and rebuild. ” 

Hux turned to fully face Ren, fists clenched and cheeks slightly burning red with anger.

“I don’t see how my grieving will get in the way of the Order.” he said, almost in a whisper in fear that he would start shouting. He didn’t want to lose composure in front of Ren. 

The force user raised an eyebrow at Hux, staring at him for a moment before he took a step forward.

“Grieving, General ?” he asked.

Hux felt his bottom lip shaking as he stepped back, avoiding Ren’s stare on him. 

“I… I mean,” he started before his holopad beeped. 

He grabbed it in a swift movement, barely reading the notification sent to him and pressed the pad against his chest, hurrying past Ren and out of the room 

“I’m requested elsewhere.” he simply said before he left, not glancing back at Ren.

When he felt like he was at a safe enough distance from Ren, Hux leaned against a wall and breathed in and out. He knew his hands were shaking in anger and the tears threatening at the corner of his eyes were because he hated how Ren knew how to get under his skin, trying to bring up everything Hux tried to keep to himself and his insomnias.

 

“ _ Running away from your nightmares, General ? _ ” he suddenly heard, like whispered in his ear. 

Hux jumped and looked around him, trying to not look too startled to find no one else in the corridor besides himself. He felt a tugging, like an uncomfortable headache at the back of his mind and raised an eyebrow. He felt himself blush slightly when he realised the voice belonged to Ren.

“This does not concern you.” he whispered back, unsure if he was actually speaking to the man or not. 

“ _ Oh but it does _ ,” the voice kept whispering as Hux resumed walking again. “ _ If you are in any way unable to assume your position anymore, then  _ -” 

“I do not see how my personal problems could interfere with my work. I’ve dedicated my life to the First Order and I intend on doing so whether I am feeling good or not. Don’t act like you care about the Order, Ren.” he said through gritted teeth, still feeling awkward about talking to himself in an empty corridor. 

For a few seconds he heard no answer, and assumed Ren had let go of him, until his whole body came to a stop. He found himself unable to move his legs or arms and his eyes widened in shock. It only took a moment for him to figure out what was happening.

“Let go of me at once!” he managed to say despite the feeling of unease. 

“ _ Or what? You will go running to the Supreme Leader? _ ” he heard the small voice at the back of his mind again, it almost sounded amused, “ _ No one is hear to listen to your complaining anymore, General _ .” 

Hux closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing. 

“I do not complain. Get out of my head, Ren.” he tried to sound composed but knew he was worried about the idea of the Knight being in his head. There was so much he wanted to keep to himself and bury under his worries of the First Order and the Resistance and the idea of Ren knowing about them… Bringing them up. 

He couldn’t let himself be weak.

“ _ What are you so afraid of, General ? _ ” Ren asked, softer than before “ _ What has been worrying you so much lately that you feel the need to run away from me ? What are you trying to hide ? _ ” 

Hux gasped, the pressure at the back of his head getting stronger and his body shaking slightly under its invisible restraints. He knew Ren was trying to break him and to get him to show his weaknesses. 

He held his breath for a moment, closing his eyes and focused on the tugging at the back of his head. Time passed and Hux wasn’t sure when Ren actually let go of him, but when he opened his eyes again, his head felt lighter and he was free to move again. 

 

Almost snarling an insult, Hux started walking back towards his quarters, request on his holopad ignored, his hands shaking and his breath uneven. As he rushed inside he felt his heart beating in his temples and choked on a sob. He leaned against the wall, trying to regain some composure as he felt his lips shaking and tears threatening to fall. 

He’d never been one to cry, run away or be scared. He had always hidden his emotions behind cold anger and shouting, behind discipline and order. But his restless nights, restless days and the fear that Ren could  _ know  _ were making it more and more difficult for him to stay confident _. _

Rubbing his eyes in frustration, he slowly calmed down his breathing and stared at the floor, holopad still pressed tight against his chest. A few minutes passed where he just stared blankly, until he felt the tugging at the back of his head again, like someone was pulling at his hair. 

“ _ What would the Order say if they knew their General couldn’t control his fears ? _ ” Ren said, voice distant. 

“My problems aren’t interfering with the Order.” replied Hux just as silently, anger gone and replaced by fatigue.

“ _ They are keeping you from being an asset to the Order. _ ” Ren said, a bit louder. 

Hux frowned as he moved to place his holopad on his desk, soon retreating to perch on the edge of his bed, shoving his face in his hands. He refused to accept the fact that Ren could be right.

“I could help you.” the Knight said after a moment of silence, almost in a whisper. 

Hux stayed silent, frowning once again at Ren’s words and shaking his head slightly. He let out a small distraught laugh at the absurdity of the situation and let himself fall back on his bed. 

“ _ I mean it _ ,” Ren added after he realized Hux wasn’t going to answer him “ _ Fight the fears, the anger. I can help. _ ” 

“Why?” Hux sighed, staring at the ceiling of his room.

“ _ We can’t afford to lose more people _ .” 

“Everyone is disposable, Ren.” 

Everything was silent again and Hux remained still on his bed, expecting an answer, still feeling Ren lurking in his head. 

“ _ I can help. _ ” he repeated, softly, and the tugging was suddenly gone.

Hux kept staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the situation. He didn’t understand what Ren wanted from him, he was angry at the strangeness of his behaviour ever since the destruction of the Supremacy, and just wanted to get the Order running properly again. 

He didn’t want to face the man, even less have him in his head. And yet here Ren was, whispering softly in his mind and offering help Hux hadn’t even asked for and didn’t want. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Hux finally got up and fixed his slightly rumpled clothes, glancing at the time. He had to get back to work. 

Silently, he hoped that Ren would not get in his way again.

 

Despite all odds, the rest of the day went well and Hux managed to busy himself enough with reports and meetings that he didn’t think about the events of the previous sleep cycle at all, leaving him to enter his quarters in a slightly improved mood and a comfortable fatigue from working. He almost had hopes for a good night of sleep, until he stepped in his refresher and felt the tugging again. 

“ _ General _ .” Ren said, his intrusive voice clearer than it had been the night before. 

Hux turned around, startled, only to face an empty room and cursed.

“Kriff Ren, don’t do that.” Hux hissed, stepping out the refresher and putting his clothes back on in a haste. 

“ _ Am I interrupting something? _ ” Ren said, almost sounding amused if Hux didn’t know better. 

“Yes. It is late and I still have things to do and I would like to sleep.” sighed Hux, stepping back into his room and sitting at his desk. 

“ _ Sleep? What makes you think you will get any sleep this night when you haven’t had any for the last few weeks? _ ” 

Hux frowned and grabbed his holopad, determined to not let himself get too involved into talking to the Knight and get some work done before he went to bed. 

“ _ Am I wrong, General? _ ” added Ren after Hux didn’t answer. 

“That is none of your concern.” 

“ _ I still want to help. I can help _ .” Ren said, his voice soft like it had been earlier that day. 

“ _ Why would you? This is ridiculous _ .” Hux shook his head and placed the holopad down, realizing he’d get nothing done with Ren bothering him so much. 

“ _ Please _ .” the Knight almost whispered, sending a shiver down Hux’s spine. 

“How?” he ended up asking, slightly defeated, hoping to get Ren to stop pestering him.

“ _ Could we… Meet? _ ” Ren asked, suddenly hesitant as if he was surprised that Hux was actually paying attention to what he was proposing.

Hux glanced at his holopad, noting that the sleep cycle was about to begin and pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. He knew that, despite what he had said, if he went to bed now he’d probably just toss and turn for hours. And if he somehow managed to fall asleep, the nightmares would wake him up again. 

“When? Where?” he asked quietly, “If this is some kind of set up…” 

“ _ My quarters, whenever you want _ ,” Ren answered, suddenly sounding distant in Hux’s mind before he added, “ _ This isn’t a set up _ .” 

 

Hux bit his bottom lip, still hesitant and considered his options. He felt Ren letting go of his mind and got up from his desk, grabbed his coat next to the door and left the room, sliding a blaster in his inside pocket before he had any second thoughts.

 

The walk to Ren’s quarters felt like forever, Hux worrying about meeting someone on the way. It was late and most of the crew was asleep already, and he knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong but he still felt strange about meeting up with Ren out of all people, if not scared that he’d get killed in a fit of rage. After all, he was the Supreme Leader now and if he had wanted, he could have just ordered Hux to meet him. And Hux would have had to obey. 

He cringed at the thought as he reached the door where he stood for a moment, questioning how he should announce his arrival. Before he had time to actually do anything, the door slid open and revealed Ren standing in his usual dark robe, cowl abandoned and face bare. Hux still felt uncomfortable facing the man and his intense stares, it had been so much easier to face the mask. 

They both stood there silent for a minute, before Ren moved to the side to let Hux in. The General stepped in slowly, still overwhelmed by the situation and anxiously clenching his fists when he heard the door closing behind him. 

He allowed himself a glance around the room, which was pretty much identical to his and finally faced Ren who was still standing by the door. 

“You came.” the Knight finally said after a long and awkward silence, sounding almost surprised yet still inexpressive. 

“Well,” Hux said, shrugging “You didn’t leave me much of a choice.” 

He knew that wasn’t true, and that Ren had done nothing else but ask for him to come. Hadn’t ordered him or threatened him, just slightly insisted and got the better of Hux. 

“You had the choice, General,” Ren said, suddenly stepping forward and ignoring Hux’s frightened stare. “You are wondering if I wanted you here to kill you.” he added.

If Hux hadn’t known better he would have thought Ren sounded amused.

“You left me on the impression, last time I confronted you, that it was exactly what you wanted to do.” Hux said, avoiding Ren’s stare and involuntarily rubbing his neck, the feeling of his force-choke grasp ghosting on his skin. 

“That,” Ren started, hesitating on his words before he faced the small viewport of his room “Was a tactical mistake. A warning. I could have. Killed you I mean. I just wanted to deliver a message. And you are no stranger to my... temper, General.” 

Hux stared at him for a moment, now that Ren was distracted by watching the stars, and shrugged lightly.

“I am not.” he sighed before crossing his arms, the pressure of his blaster on his chest comforting “May I ask how you expect to help with my problems when you can barely restrain you own emotions?” 

Hux noticed that Ren clenched his fists after what he said, his leather gloves barely making a sound. He tried to stay still, fighting the urge to step back or leave the room. And just as fast as Ren got tense, he relaxed again.

That’s when he felt the tugging at the back of his mind again. 

“Why are you doing this, Ren ?” asked Hux, whispering “I am in the same room as you.” 

The Knight still didn’t look in his direction, eyes unfocused on the viewport. 

“Your mind is recycling these nightmares, General. It’s tormenting you, keeping you from moving forward. You need to reach what’s bothering you so much, you need to face it and destroy it.” 

Hux raised an eyebrow at Ren, slightly confused by his words. 

“I need to reach… My own mind? You mean I need to think about my nightmares?” 

“More or less. You are focusing too much on pushing everything back, caging it, ignoring it. It works when you are awake and busying yourself with work but,” Ren turned around to face Hux “It will always come back at you at night, to hurt you the double, to destroy you. And one day, it’ll be too much and you won’t be able to ignore it anymore.” 

Hux hesitated, arms still crossed and hands almost gripping his jacket in fear that they would start shaking. 

“And how am I supposed to do that ?” Hux asked, unsure of why he was listening to Ren. Maybe he was too tired of fighting his own mind, and had nothing to lose. Maybe Ren could actually help.

“I believe meditating would help, emptying your mind long enough that you can work out what is making you feel wrong or right, and face it.” Ren suggested, still looking at Hux, unmoving.

“Meditating? I do not have the time for such things.” Hux said, feeling almost astonished by Ren’s idea. He had an order to rebuild, people to train, plans to make.

“But you have time to confine yourself in your room to try and get your anxiety to not get the best of you?”

“I…” Hux hesitated, startled by Ren’s sudden invasion of his intimacy “I always get over it.” 

“What if you don’t? What if that happens during battle? A meeting? What if you enemies use it against you? ” Ren said, voice clipped. 

Hux turned his face to avoid Ren’s glare, staring at the ground and uncrossing his arms when he felt his breath hitch. 

“You know I am right, General. Let me reach out to your mind, let me help you get over the past.” 

Ren’s voice was softer as he tried to get the General to look at him, almost pleading. 

Hux hesitated, still staring at the floor for a second before he sighed and looked back up at the Knight, shrugging.

“Alright.” he simply said. 

Ren raised his eyebrows, seeming surprised for a moment before he returned to a blank stare and gestured towards the mat on the floor.

“Sit.” 

Hux made a move towards the mat before Ren extended a hand towards him.

“Your blaster, General.” he asked calmly. 

Hux stared at him for a second, puzzled, before he slid the weapon out of his pocket and handed it to Ren with hesitation. His worries vanished when the Knight simply put it down on his desk and sat down, cross-legged, on the mat. 

Hux joined him, mirroring his position and looked at Ren who closed his eyes and breathed slowly. He just stared silently and realised that he had never seen the Knight looking so relaxed. 

“Close your eyes, General.” said Ren, and Hux frowned slightly before doing as he was asked. 

They sat still for a minute, Hux feeling too awkward about the situation to say anything or move. He wasn’t sure of what he was supposed to do and was about to get up and leave when he felt the tugging at the back of his mind again. 

His first reflex was to try and fight it, until he realized that he had agreed to this. He breathed heavily, trying to relax and felt his shoulders slag slightly as he let Ren invade his head again. 

 

“ _ Empty your mind _ .” Ren’s voice whispered, and Hux wasn’t sure if the Knight had said it out loud or in his head.

“How?” Hux asked softly, his head buzzing with the invasion. 

“ _ Stop speaking, stop thinking, focus on the inside of your head and the core of your body, create emptiness in you. Don’t let your thoughts overwhelm you _ .” Ren said as if it should have been obvious to Hux, voice definitely whispering in his ears from inside his head. 

Hux frowned, still unsure about the situation and breathed in and out again, focusing on where he heard Ren’s voice, following the points in his mind where he felt the most at peace.

Hux wasn’t sure how long they sat there in Ren’s room, with their eyes closed and nothing but the sound of their breathing to fill the quiet of the room. When he opened his eyes again, it’s because he felt Ren letting go of his mind. 

 

“Breathe.” the Knight said to him. 

He hadn’t realized he had stopped breathing when he had opened his eyes, and let go of a shaky sigh. 

“How long have we been sitting here?” he finally asked, looking at everything but Ren. 

“It doesn’t really matter,” Ren said “How are you feeling ?” 

Hux thought about it, wondered how he actually felt. He almost felt hollow and wasn’t sure he knew how to express his current state. 

“Empty.” he ended up answering for lack of better words. 

“Good.” Ren nodded, getting up to stretch. 

Hux stared at the man in front of him, still sitting on the floor before he suddenly got up, almost losing balance as he felt dizzy. 

“I… I need to go.” he said, retrieving his blaster from the desk as he hurried towards the door. 

Ren didn’t say anything as Hux left the room, rushing back to his quarters. 

 

When he finally reached his bedroom, he grabbed his holopad with shaky hands and realized the sleep cycle was about to end and that he had spent the entire night sitting in Ren’s quarters. Hux shook his head, feeling lost at the weirdness of the situation. 

He knew he would find no time to sleep now and feared the day would be long and exhausting as he moved to get changed in better attire. 

He tried to relax as he left his room, and started another day, trying to not let himself be distracted with thoughts of Ren and everything that had happened. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda spent 3 hours and a half writing all of this in one sitting. My back hurts. Send help. It's slightly shorter but I feel like, at least, stuff finally happens! Thanks to my beta again and a very special bih on Twitter for putting up with all my shit.  
> I 100% made up the planet they're on, I just needed rain and ottas.

Fortunately, he didn’t face Ren before another couple of days had passed. He and a reduced team of troopers were getting ready to board a small shuttle to head for a planet in their system. Hux had not expected Ren to show up at the last moment, knowing he had sent a request to allow their exploration and that Ren _had_ allowed it.

He hadn’t asked for much, a couple of troopers and resources so they could stay for a day and overnight. He wasn’t expecting to find much there, but hoped he and the Order could find a new place to ground themselves. The planet was officially free of intelligent species, probably because of the constant rains flooding it - which wasn’t a problem to the Order. They could work around it, like they had worked around the snow on the Starkiller Base. What they needed was an obscure planet where the Rebellion would not come and pester them as they regained strength.

He had no reason to go himself, really, his job was more about planning and commanding on board. But he felt like leaving the ship – for the first time since the Starkiller Base fiasco – would do him good, maybe he could do the Order good again.

 

So when Ren showed up in the hangar looking ready to depart with them, Hux stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Do you need anything, _Supreme Leader_?” he said, insisting on the last two words in obvious sarcasm.

Ren barely looked at him as he boarded the shuttle after the troopers had climbed in.

“I want to see the planet.” he simply said.

“I don’t think - I don’t believe your presence is required.” Hux said, following the man and  frowning at his words.

“I don’t believe yours is required either.” answered Ren, finally facing him as they stood close.

Hux took a step back, slightly stunned and crossed his arms across his chest, squaring his shoulders. He knew Ren was right. Ren’s presence, the confined space of the shuttle and the addition of the troopers close to them were making him uncomfortable.

After Ren realized Hux wasn’t going to answer him, he turned around and walked towards the control panel, engaging conversation with the pilot.

Hux just stood there, quiet, almost brooding, and waited for the landing. He knew it shouldn’t take too long. He had almost been looking forward to getting a bit of action until had Ren showed up and had crashed his mood again. He stood there for a moment, arms still crossed and standing as still as he could be in the quiet of the shuttle. Then he felt Ren crawling in his mind again.

“ _Are you upset that I invited myself, General?_ ” Ren asked quietly, “ _You realise I am the Supreme Leader now and that I can allow myself on this expedition, don’t you?_ ”

Hux straightened his back, uncomfortable at the invasion of his head and bit his lip. He knew Ren was trying to get to him by speaking to him like this in public, and Hux knew he couldn’t afford to be heard talking to himself by troopers. His breath hitched for a second, until he realized that Ren was gone already.

 

The actual planet held no surprises. As reported, everything was muddy and covered in purple, fuschia and blue algaes. And it was pretty much constantly raining. Hux grimaced as he stepped out of the shuttle, shorty followed by the troopers and Ren who stood at the back, looking around with curiosity.

Hux simply ignored him as he stepped forward, frowning at the strong rain already hitting him in the face. He turned around and told the troopers to start scouting around the shuttle. They followed his orders hurriedly and Hux watched them leave, water almost reaching their knees when they stepped into the biggest puddles.

 

“This is an interesting place.” He finally heard Ren saying as the Knight stepped closer to him, impassible to the rain and unstable floor under his feet.

Hux flinched slightly and stood in place, joining his hands behind his back and squinting slightly at the water getting in his eyes.

“I do not enjoy this place very much, and I am unsure if we can actually do anything here, but I believe it could take time for the Rebellion to find us here. Especially considering how weakened they are.” Hux finally answered “Despite all the damage we took, they at least suffered the same.”

“I think it suits you. This place.” Ren said, voice deep “The rain, the cold.” he added.

Hux frowned and looked at Ren, who was pensively looking in the distance, stare somehow unfocused. The rain was still going strong but he kept his usual blank face, ignoring the droplets of water falling from his eyelashes every time he blinked and his hair getting wet.

They silently stood under the rain, Hux staring at Ren who had now closed his eyes and was quietly humming.

“Is this what I am? Cold?” Hux finally asked, pushing the short strands of wet hair that were sticking to his temples.

Ren kept silently humming and Hux almost wondered if he hadn’t heard him talking over the sound of the rain hitting the puddles of water at their feet and he was about to repeat himself until the Knight shifted his attention to Hux.

“I believe it is what you want people to think you are.” Ren finally said, now focused on Hux who felt his lips twitching in annoyance at Ren’s words.

“But it isn’t what I really am? Is that what you are implying?”

“I am making no implications, General. What do _you_ think you are?”

Hux kept eye contact as long as he could, trying to think of an answer before he shook his head, crossing his arms on his chest and ignoring the squeaking of his now drenched clothes. He lowered his gaze to the ground and kicked at the ground under his feet, his boots covered in mud, making him sneer.

“I want people to - to think that I know what I am doing, what I am saying. The Order needs it, the galaxy needs it. Someone needs to rule and to show that they _can_ rule.” he finally said, unsure of his own words.

“Isn’t that my job? As the Supreme Leader? Why do you think you should rule?” Ren asked, still staring at Hux who avoided his glare.

Hux felt himself smirking in spite of himself and finally looked back at Ren.

“Do you think _you_ can rule?” he answered, seething.

Ren frowned and stepped closer to Hux, slowly raising his left hand towards Hux’s neck who flinched but tried to maintain Ren’s stare.

“Be careful General,” Ren practically whispered, hand unmoving as he leaned so close to Hux that he could see the drops of rain sliding down his cheeks and into his cowl, eyes dark with anger.

“I _do_ rule you, whether you like it or not. Do not forget where your place is.”

Hux simply stared wide eyed at Ren, worriedly glancing at the threatening hand so close to his neck.

“I - I don’t think,” he started before he heard noises on his left.

Both he and Ren snapped their head in said direction, tension gone as they took a few steps back from each other. Hux felt some relief wash over him when he saw the troopers coming back, and ignored Ren who practically growled before rushing in the forest.

Later when Hux was drying his soaked hair in a towel and typing down the report from the troopers, he wondered where Ren had gone.

 

Even later that day, when the skies had darkened and the troopers were guarding the shuttle, Hux noticed that the rain had stopped and that Ren still wasn’t back. He knew the break from the rain wouldn’t last and hurriedly put on a raincoat on top of his uniform, grabbed his satchel and stepped outside.

He nodded at the stormtrooper stationed at the entrance to the shuttle and walked haphazardly in the same direction he’d seen Ren disappear earlier. He walked through the  forest of oddly shaped trees covered in colorful moss, trying to avoid tripping on the multiple roots sticking out of the floor. His feet were sinking in the mud each time he took a new step forward, carefully avoiding the biggest puddles around him and unsure as to where he was headed. He wasn’t sure how long he had been walking around, strangely feeling relaxed by the tranquility of his surroundings, when he felt something shifting in the atmosphere.

 

He almost lost his balanced as he quickly turned around, his coat almost swishing. Ren was behind him, hair still damp and sticking to his temples. The Knight looked less angry than he had been earlier that day and just stared at Hux with curiosity.

“What are you doing here?” Ren ended up asking, unmoving.

“What are _you_ doing here? You ran away like a child after our argument, you could’ve gotten lost! The rain was torrential!” Hux exclaimed.

“I would have found my way back.” Ren said, raising his eyebrow at Hux “I would have sensed you.”

Hux frowned at Ren’s words and stepped forward, moving his hands in Ren’s direction in a frustrated gesture.

“You’re drenched, you need to return to the shuttle,” Hux said, exasperated, before he reached in his satchel to grab a cloth, handing it to Ren “Dry yourself and we’ll head back.”

Before he could turn around and start walking again, Ren grabbed his wrist. Hux froze in place, eyes widening at he looked up at Ren who evenly returned his gaze.

“How have you been sleeping?” The Knight asked quietly, not letting go of Hux.

“How have I - What ?” Hux asked, bewildered before he coughed quietly and flicked his gaze away from Ren’s face, thinking about his question “I have… I guess I have been sleeping fine?”

“No nightmares?” Ren inquired further, his fingers tightening slightly around Hux’s wrist as he frowned.

Hux shook his head, hesitating.

“No. Insomnias, yes. I’ve worked during sleep cycles a couple of times again but it’s mostly - No. I mean, no nightmares, just blank dreams.” Hux felt his breath shake slightly as he tried to find his words, still unable to face Ren.

“Good.” the Knight simply said before he released his hold on Hux and finally looked away.

Hux just stared at the ground a little longer before he followed Ren’s stare. He noticed some movement between some curvy tree roots that Ren was observing, and arched an eyebrow before he realised two ottas were playing in the water. Next to him, Ren crouched quietly and Hux threw him a questioning glare before the Knight sat down on a rock covered in moss and purple algaes. Sighing, Hux realized Ren wasn’t ready to head back to the shuttle yet and hesitated a moment before he carefully sat next to him and looked at the ottas too.

“They’re from Naboo,” Ren finally said in a hushed tone, Hux unsure if he was worried he’d scare the creatures away or if he sounded displeased by his own statement,  “I’ve never seen one before.”

Hux simply nodded at Ren’s words, indecisive on how to answer and focused his attention on the animals again who were jumping around, splashing the water around them. They sat in a comfortable but strange silence for a moment and Hux lowered his gaze, realizing he was still gripping the cloth he had brought with him. He handed it it Ren.

“Your hair. It is still wet.” he said as softly as he could.

Ren shrugged slightly.

“It’s about to rain again,” he simply answered and looked up at the darkening sky “We’ll head back in a moment.”

Hux nodded and shoved the cloth back in his satchel and returned his attention to the ottas, before he realized they were gone.

“Oh.” he simply whispered, crossing his arms. He tried to focus on something else before his eyes landed on Ren again.

“You were right, you know,” Ren’s quiet voice almost startled Hux “I cannot rule. That is why you’re here.”

Hux’s eyes widened in spite of him as he opened his mouth, trying to think of a response.

“But,” Ren continued before Hux had the time to say anything to him “How will you rule if  you are just as messed up as me?”

Hux’s lip twitched as he listened to Ren, before he rubbed his palms against his face. He let out a sigh.

“I’m not here to rule, Ren. It is your title, not mine. I am here to command.” he finally said, pensively kicking at the mud under his foot.

“Do not play on words with me, General. You’ve been as much of a leader to the Order as Snoke or I have been.”

When Hux looked up at Ren again, the Knight was looking at him too, with his ever-so impassive expression. Hux felt his lips twitch again and frowned.

“Is that why you’ve been trying to - what? Help me with my nightmares? You need someone to do your job for you?”

Ren’s eyes turned dark for a moment, making Hux lean backwards before he straightened his back and returned his glare, jaw clenched as he tried to ignore his hands shaking on his lap. But as fast as Ren looked like he was about to lose his temper, his shoulders slumped and he looked away.

“I need  - I don’t,” Ren hesitated and Hux simply kept looking at him, arching a curious eyebrow at Ren’s obvious discomfort “I am not using you. I just believe that if you crumble, what is left of the Order will crumble with you. They fear me, like they feared my master, but they do not trust me.”

Hux bit his lip when he felt it twitching again, his hands now definitely shaking in his lap as he looked down to the ground. He tried to control his breathing, feeling his chest hollowing as he worried about losing composure in front of Ren again. That’s when he felt a pressure against his back, a hand barely touching him. After breathing in and out slowly, he calmed down.

Hux sat still, observing the man sitting next to him, and realized he’d probably never seen Ren appear as vulnerable as he did right now. Even when he had to pick him up bloodied and beaten on Starkiller base, or when he had found him lying on the floor in Snoke’s room on the Supremacy.

Hux faced Ren’s humanity for the first time - both physical and mental - as the Knight sat next to him in silence, unfocused and staring at the ground and sharing open thoughts with him. Hux sighed as he lowered his gaze as well. He shook his head when he considered the situation - for the last few weeks he’d been able to busy himself enough - with work and trying to restrain his anxiety - to avoid thinking about how bizarre his relationship with Ren had become. But now he realized that Ren may have just been trying to anchor him so he could do the same. Hux realized that he may not have been the only one so affected by all the destruction and losses.

“Maybe we are messed up.” he finally agreed when he knew his voice wasn’t shaky anymore. He then felt drops of rain starting to hit his face “It’s starting to rain again, we need to leave.”

Ren nodded and got up as Hux pulled his hood over his head, glad he had remembered to take his raincoat as he heard the already drumming sound of the rain. Ren had already started walking and Hux rushed to follow him, worried he’d get lost if he lost sight of the Knight.

 

They walked for a while, Hux standing close to Ren and trying to ignore the shivers going down his spine because of the cold. Night had completely settled and he couldn’t see much of their surroundings, and he was hoping that Ren wasn’t lost and was actually walking back to the shuttle. But after a couple of minutes, he frowned.

“I am pretty sure it didn’t take that long for me to find you, leaving from the shuttle. Did you get us lost, Ren?” he finally snapped, annoyed at the perspective to be lost in the dark with _Kylo Ren_ for only company.

“What would you do if we were lost, General?” asked Ren and Hux could swear he saw the man smirking. Hux frowned at the absurdity of the situation.

“Did you get us lost on purpose?” he asked, gritting his teeth as he tried to contain his frustration “Kriff Ren, it’s pouring and it’s pitch-black!”

The Knight shrugged, looking unbothered by the rain soaking his hair once again and just kept walking. They ended up slowed down by the water almost reaching their knees after Ren lead them through what seemed - to Hux - like a swamp. Unease overtook Hux as he struggled to keep up with Ren, breath uneven because of the quick pace - or the worry of being lost, he wasn’t sure, his mind buzzing. Hux clenched his jaw, overwhelmed by the sound of the rain hitting harder and harder against his hood,the nasty feeling of the water soaking through his trousers and the fear that they had gotten lost in the middle of nowhere. He hadn’t realized he had started slowing down, too focused on trying to calm his uneven breathing and shaky limbs, until Ren abruptly turned around to face him. Hux looked at him wide-eyed, startled by the abrupt movement and dread clouding his mind as he took a step backward, almost stumbling.

“General,” Ren’s voice sounded distant to Hux “General!” the voice was suddenly sharper and snapped Hux out of his stupor.

Ren approached Hux, lifting his hand swiftly and startling Hux once again.

“Don’t.” Hux whispered, taking slow and unsteady steps backwards.

“Hux.” Ren said, his voice loud, before he took off his glove and pressed his hand against Hux’s cheek who didn’t have time to react and dodge Ren again.

Hux flinched at Ren’s booming voice and the sudden contact before his whole body froze, eyes wide and unfocused.

“ _Hux,_ ” The voice, softer this time, repeated in his head - almost comforting “ _Breathe. I know everything is too much, but you need to relax_.”

Hux half listened to what Ren was telling him, skin burning under the other man’s fingers and his mind buzzing at the sudden invasion of his mind. His whole body felt numb. They stood in silence, Hux vaguely looking at Ren who kept his large hand pressed against Hux’s cheek. Ren’s eyes were focused on him despite the rain hitting his face hard and soaking his hair. Hux tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

“I can’t. I can’t.” Hux finally stuttered, raising his arm to catch Ren’s, fingers gripping his sleeve.

“Yes you can,” Ren said out loud this time, eyes wild and voice awkwardly low. He leaned towards Hux’s face who barely flinched “ _Hux_. Trust me.”

Hux let go of Ren’s arm only to press his hand against Ren’s chest, his wobbly legs finally relaxing as he closed his eyes. He tried to focus, fingers still trembling against Ren’s robe and breathed in and out as slowly as he could - he tried to follow Ren’s inhales and exhales as the Knight kept his hand firmly pressed against his cheek, his thumb barely pressing against Hux’s cheekbone.

Hux unconsciously pressed his face into it back.

They stood idle for a little longer until Hux felt like his body wouldn’t fail him and he opened his eyes again. He straightened his back slowly, letting go of Ren’s chest when he was sure he could stand on his own and inaudibly gasped when the Knight let go of him face as well.

“We need - We have to get back.” Hux said in a hushed tone, voice unsure and still shaky.

Ren nodded and passed a hand through the wet locks falling in front of his eyes before he pointed to a direction.

“We just need to walk for a little longer.” the Knight said as he started walking again.

Hux noticed that Ren had slowed down his pace, allowing Hux to follow him despite his unstable legs and realized that, perhaps, he did need Ren as an anchor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated ! ♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord this is my shortest chapter so far and I feel like everything's been rushed. But at the same time I've reached 10k (which is amazing! I haven't written that much ever!) and I really wanted Kylo to finally express himself.  
> He's so awkward at human interactions and clearly Hux just doesn't understand him, so I just wanted him to finally speak his heart out.

The days following the excursion were hectic and Hux barely had time to think about the bizarre experience he had shared with Ren. After they had regained the shuttle and dried themselves, the night was already coming to an end and they had to fly back to the Finalizer. 

Ren had stayed silent the whole time, though he had acted strange and fidgeted around Hux who did his best to ignore him so he would not break down in irritation. But as soon as they had arrived, Ren stormed out of the shuttle and Hux hadn’t seen him again in days. 

The Order had decided to settle down on the planet but had to gather resources and people again before they could make any move, and Hux knew this would take time and a lot of finesse - _two things Ren didn’t seem to possess -_  so it was up to him to work things out. 

He had organised a few meetings and had spent too many nights for his own good communicating with Order’s allies all across the galaxy, and before he realized it, weeks had passed and he still hadn’t really heard from Ren. He knew the man was receiving his reports and hoped that he was reading them, but overall he had to admit there seemed to be an odd lack of the Knight’s presence on board. He tried not to care.

He wasn’t worried about it, just intrigued. Hux was actually doing pretty well despite how little sleep he was getting and knew he had managed to infuse a little spark of ambition back into the Order. Now was to hoping that this time, they’d succeed.

 

So, when Ren showed up  _ once again _ uninvited and unexpected during a late meeting where Hux was negotiating a delicate transaction to acquire more tie fighters from the Sienar-Jaemus Systems, Hux tried not to flinch and glance at the man who just stood at the back of the conference room, back straight and arms crossed and his eyes focused on Hux. 

Hux felt his jaw clenching a bit as he kept an impassible face and simply ignored Ren. He continued speaking to the hologram in front of him and to the actual people in the room.

Minutes later, Hux almost let out a sigh of relief at how well the negotiations had gone as he finally terminated the conversation. Once the hologram went off and people started leaving the room, he put his hands flat on the table in front of him and leaned forward, staring at Ren. When they were finally alone and the Knight didn’t move to leave, he had the confirmation that Ren was here for him - and not the actual meeting. He had guessed so.

“Since when do you bother coming to meetings?” Hux asked, arching an eyebrow at Ren. 

“I think we both know I did not come to partake in the meeting, General.” Ren’s voice was low as he returned Hux’s stare, still unmoving. 

“Then what do you want? I do not have much time on my hands and I still have much to do tonight.” Hux asked, clearly irritated now. 

Ren stayed silent and took a few steps forward, mirroring Hux’s position at the other end of the table. 

“By the tone of your voice, I believe resting is all you should be doing tonight.” Ren finally said.

“You aren’t my mother, Ren. I can take care of myself, can’t I? I believe I have been doing well enough without you after you disappeared for _days_.” Hux snapped at Ren as he tried to ignore his fingers nervously tapping on the table. 

Ren tilted his head at Hux’s words before he started walking around the table and towards him, fingers sliding against the glass.

“I might have disappeared but you didn’t really look for me either, did you?” 

Hux straightened his back and frowned at Ren’s words, his hands leaving the table as he turned around to face the man who now stood so close to him that it took all he had to not step backwards. He crossed his arms.

“Why would I bother?” Hux finally asked, trying to sound composed, and cringed at how his voice broke by the time he had finished his sentence. 

Ren made a movement towards Hux’s face, who winced in spite of himself. Ren stopped his hand in mid-air and frowned. 

“You do not trust me,” Ren almost whispered as if he had just come to this realisation “Why?” 

“You are the mind reader, not me. You should be able to tell.” Hux rebutted, trying to ignore the way his eyes were twitching. 

“I would rather have you telling me,” Ren started, hand still hovering close to Hux’s face as he leaned forward “Why do you still not trust me ?” 

“When have you ever given me a reason to trust you?” Hux asked, not realizing his voice had almost turned into a whisper after Ren had completely invaded his personal space. 

Ren looked taken aback for a moment, eyes slightly widened in surprise at Hux’s words. 

“How is everything I’ve done for you and told you so far not a reason good enough for me to earn your trust? What else do you need?” Ren asked and Hux could hear the disbelief in his voice. 

Hux stood as still as he could, considering Ren’s words for a moment. 

“As open as you’ve been with me lately, you still -” Hux hesitated, searching for his words as he unconsciously rubbed a hand against his neck, covering it. Ren’s eyes flicked to the motion and back at Hux’s face before he sighed. 

“How can it be so hard to believe that I can raise my hand for something other than hurting someone else?” Ren whispered once he'd realized what was bothering Hux.

“Perhaps because it took two weeks for the bruises to heal last time you threw me against a wall, Ren.” Hux tried to not sound too bitter, tense with the perspective of angering Ren. 

Ren stayed silent before he pressed the tip of his fingers against Hux’s cheek, ignoring how Hux’s jaw clenched, and he slid the pad of a finger under Hux's eye, noticing his eyebags.

Hux stepped back again, ignoring Ren’s frustrated grown.

“I need to leave, Ren” Hux said, hesitating “I have a shuttle ready to depart, I am supposed to meet with a weapon trader and I can  _ not  _ miss this opportunity.” 

Hux pressed down the few wrinkles on his uniform and started walking towards the door, before Ren grabbed his wrist. 

“I want to come.” 

“Ren,” Hux sighed as he pressed a hand against Ren’s chest, voice low “Do not make this harder for us. This is important.” 

Ren kept his grip on Hux’s wrist tight for a second, and considered the situation, before releasing it. He nodded and gestured at the door. 

“Good luck, General.” Ren finally said.

Hux nodded, a smirk almost forming at the corner of his mouth, and left. 

 

Hux didn’t get lucky. 

As he was rushed to the medbay, he wondered if Ren had simply cursed him by wishing him good luck. 

With a bloody nose and - from what he could guess - a few broken ribs, he laid down on the table in a grunt and let the medical droids rush around him. He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, fists tight as he tried to ignore the sharp pain shaking his entire body at every breath he took. Finally, one of the droids put him to sleep and he finally felt his tense muscles relax as he passed out.

 

Hux wasn’t sure how long he had been out, but the next time he woke up everything was dark. His mind was foggy and the room was quiet. 

He could feel the soft pressure of a bed against his back and when he turned his head to look around him, he realized he was still in the medbay and that it was empty except for a couple of droids. He slowly tried to raise an arm, grunting at how heavy his entire body felt, and lazily rubbed his eyes. 

One of the droids finally took notice that he was awake and rushed by his side.

“I’m fine, leave me alone” he groaned, trying to sit up on the bed to stretch his sore muscles. 

The droit kept fussing for a moment and Hux was ready to order it to leave him alone once again, before it went completely still and silent. Hux frowned as he stared at it, before he quickly realized the droid was completely shut off. But before he had time to question anything, the door slid open and a dark figure stormed inside. Hux widened his eyes, startled as he sat up on the bed - diminishing the sharp pain going through his entire body. It took him an instant to realize it was Ren.

 

“Hux,” Ren said, breath rapid and eyes wild “Hux, you’re awake.” 

“Well,” Hux hesitated, throwing a questioning and panicked glance at Ren “Yes?” 

Ren stepped towards Hux bed, waving his hands around as if he was unsure of what to do of them, or what to say. Hux pressed his back against the wall behind him, suddenly shivering at the coldness of the room as he pulled the bedsheet over his naked chest. 

“Ren what is the meaning of this? Why are you here?” Hux questioned, his fingers anxiously clenching around the bedsheet. 

“What happened?” Ren roared, making Hux jump slightly.

“It was a set-up. The meeting with the weapon trader” Hux sighed, recalling the events “I am still unsure if he was part of the Resistance or if he had this planned as a personal vendetta but we managed to get out of it alive.”

“But you got hurt! And I only just got noticed that you were here!” Ren almost snarled, finally deciding on sitting down in the chair next to Hux’s bed. He put his hands down on the mattress, “Nobody informed me of what had happened! I thought you - I don’t know! I thought you were dead!?”

“I am not dead. Ren. Calm down.” Hux clenched his teeth, irritated by Ren’s shouting not helping his pounding headache.

Hux observed Ren and considered the worried tone of his voice and the harshness of his breath. He sighed and covered Ren’s hand with his own in an attempt to calm him down. 

“I usually am the one informing you of anything happening, because everyone else is too scared of you behaving _exactly like this_ at any given information.” he sighed.

 

As Ren finally calmed down, seeming content with Hux's answer, he blankly stared at his and Hux’s superposed hands.

“And you aren’t? Scared?” he finally asked, his voice lower this time. 

“I’m not - Maybe I was. But I was good at pretending I was not.” Hux finally said after a short silence. 

Ren nodded before he looked at Hux’s face again. 

“Are you still pretending?” Ren asked and Hux felt Ren's hand twitch under his own. 

Hux bit his lip to stop it from trembling, eyes wandering around the room as he considered Ren’s question. He stared at the ground, the droid, the roof and the bedsheet still covering him before he finally looked at Ren again and shrugged. 

“I guess I am not” He whispered, “Just confused.” 

“Confused?” Ren repeated, frowning.

“I still do not understand why you’ve suddenly decided to follow me around, to talk to me, to - _to touch me_ ,” he almost choked on the last words and cleared his throat “What has become of the Kylo Ren who choked me and threw me against a wall?” 

Hux had barely finished his sentence when he noticed Ren clenching his jaw and fidget once again in his seat.

“So much has happened. To me, to you, to the Order and the entire galaxy” Ren said, leaning forward and raising his free hand to press it against Hux’s face “I’ve been blinded by rage, by the past - I’ve let it consume me enough that all I could think about was destruction and revenge. But I see clearly now.” 

Hux kept quiet, barely wincing when Ren touched him and tilted his face enough to press back against Ren’s hand, ignoring the pain in his neck. 

“And what do you see?” Hux whispered. 

“Me. You. I’ve seen your pains and your nightmares and I’ve seen how much the Order needs you, how _I_ need you,” Ren breathed the last words, his hand now nervously shaking under Hux’s “I cannot rule, Hux. I am made of blind rage and bitterness and you're - you can see clearly through what is driving me insane.” 

Hux frowned and avoided Ren’s intense eyes on him, his fingers anxiously tightening around Ren's hand. 

“I’m too broken to rule anything, Ren.” Hux whispered, shaking his head.

“I’m broken too.” Ren instantly answered, his thumb rubbing against Hux’s cheek.

Hux closed his eyes and sighed, headache still throbbing as he slightly moved his face against Ren’s hand. 

“This is insane.” he whispered against Ren’s fingers, ignoring how his lips twitched against it. 

“I’ve lost too much already. I’ve felt like I had found what I needed, people I could trust. But they’ve betrayed me. All of them. My whole life has revolved around people betraying me, leaving me. Never again, Hux. I have nothing left. Don't do this too.” Ren almost pleaded, pulling on Hux’s hand before he added, “ _ Please _ .”

Hux felt his whole body tremble and his mind buzz. 

He tried to open his mouth to say something, but was stopped by the sudden movement of Ren’s hand slipping in the short strands of hair at the back of his neck and Ren’s mouth pressing against his.

 

Widening his eyes in shock, Hux sat still for a moment. His entire body felt numb and he raised a hand against Ren’s chest, just resting it there. The bedsheet covering him slipped off his body as his head was pressed against the wall behind him. 

They stood like this for a moment, Ren keeping his lips firmly pressed against Hux’s and Hux trembling against Ren’s body.

Then Ren finally let go of his lips, but left barely any space between them.

 

“That was -” Ren hesitated, whispering against Hux’s lips who just stared at him wide eyed. 

“Strange?” Hux almost choked on his own word, still unable to process the situation. 

Ren was quiet for a moment and Hux feared he had angered him with his stiff reaction, before he noticed his shoulders shaking lightly. 

Before he had time to question him, he heard Ren chuckle deeply as he finally leaned backwards to make some space between him and Hux. 

“Are you - Are you  _ laughing _ ?” Hux asked in disbelief. 

Ren calmed down rapidly and pressed a thumb against his own lips, tilting his head. 

“I was about to say “nice”. But perhaps that was strange too.” Ren admitted before pushing his chair back and getting up “Rest, General. Meet me later.” 

Hux was about to retort, making a movement to leave the bed and stand up before Ren pressed a hand against his bare shoulder. 

“I won’t disappear this time. I'll be waiting.” Ren added before he rushed out the room.

Before Hux could even think of following him, the droids in the room turned back on and hurried towards him. 

He just stared with incredulity at the door and let the droids fuss around him, lying back down on the bed as he was given painkillers.

 

When the droids were finally done with him, he brushed a finger against his lips and imperceptibly smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the award for the most awkward first kiss goes to...  
> No, seriously, don't ever tell me those two big virgin goofs would have a great first kiss. It has to be rushed by Ren's panic and awkward from Hux not knowing how to react, AH! They'll get better at it. Maybe. 
> 
> Hope the spelling is good, thanks to my beta like always. Feedback appreciated, love you all and thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that it took so long for me to release this chapter. It isn't much but I've been busy with work and video games. 
> 
> This fanfic took a turn I wasn't expecting, somehow. I wanted something meaner on Hux and Kylo but I realized that I just want them to accept that they are touch starved, that they need and want each other. I want mah boys to be happy for once. To kiss and hug and just be content with what they have. They're getting there.

 

When Hux was finally released from the medbay, his first action was to rush to his quarters. He was still hurting, the scar across his nose stinging and his ribs cramping at every breath he took. He stayed in the refresher for as long as he could, and enjoyed the clean uniform he put on once he was done.

As he glanced at his reflection in the mirror, his fingers ghosted over the scar that was still healing on his nose. He sighed when he also took notice of the dark circles under his eyes and thought that Ren might have been right. He needed sleep.

Hux shook his head and pulled the chair at his desk to sit on it and picked up his holopad, fearing a wave of unread notifications.

But to his surprise, he had received nothing during the entire time he was gone and resting in the medbay - or so it seemed. The only messages he had were informing him that he was on leave for the day, and that investigations were progressing on the ambush. Hux sighed as he put down the holopad and rubbed his eyes. He hadn’t been on a leave for years, even less during such critical times.

This was ridiculous.

 

Later on, he finally decided to look for Ren. There weren’t that many places where the Knight could be as Hux knew he had a tendency to always sulk in the same places. His quarters, the bridge, or Snoke’s old room.

As he left the room, he decided to try the bridge first.

 

Once he reached it, his first realization was that no one was here. He arched an eyebrow and observed his surroundings, before his eyes settled on a figure leaning against the railings. Ren had his back turned to him and was facing the viewport. Hux figured Ren knew he was here, and did nothing to announce his arrival before he stepped close to Ren and put his hands down on the railing too.

“She called me a monster.” Ren said quietly once Hux stood next to him, eyes still fixed on the outside.

“Did you take offense?” Hux asked, his eyes fixing his ownn hands holding the railing.

“No.” Ren said after a silence, before he quietly added “She asked me why I killed my father.”

Hux closed his eyes and remembered the events on Starkiller before the whole thing went down in flames.

“She’s a fool, blinded by ideas of good and evil” Ren snorted at Hux’s words, but made no comment “She so firmly believe that the world is made of black and white, that she doesn’t even see the full picture.” Hux added.

“What if the world is made of black and white?”

“Those are silly ideas that people like _you_ believe in because of legends of Jedi and Siths fighting for _nothing_. What’s the point of the Force without order and discipline?”

Ren nodded, pressing his forearm against Hux’s.

“She saw a good man in Solo for the short time that she spent with him. She saw a legend,” Hux looked up at the viewport “You saw who you knew he was. You saw an obstacle to something greater.”  

“How would you know?” Ren asked.

Hux felt his eye twitch and imperceptibly sighed.

“Because I once too saw my father as an obstacle to something greater.” he whispered.

Ren stared at Hux who pretended he didn't notice.

After a short silence, Hux felt Ren’s hand slipping in his and he silently accepted their fingers shyly interlacing. He couldn't feel much through their gloves, but squeezed Ren’s hand nonetheless.

“She called me Ben.” Ren whispered after a comfortable silence.

Hux tensed.

“She manipulated you.” Hux said, unsure if Ren was actually expecting an answer, “She only wanted you for the Resistance, didn’t she? You are who you decided to be. Not what someone else wants you to be, especially for their own gain.”

Hux tried to hide the hesitation in his own voice and felt Ren’s hold on his hand tighten.

“What if I’m not? What if I’m meant to fight for the light side?”

“Perhaps you are. Perhaps you aren’t. Or maybe you’re meant to be your own person and fight for what _you_ believe in. I’d like to believe the latter.” Hux sighed, feeling his jaw clench slightly as he turned around to face Ren, “You need to let the past die. Forget the dark side, forget the light side, forget the girl and the Resistance. Let _Ben_ die.”

Hux almost hesitated on the name and tried to keep eye contact with Ren, who just stared at him with curiosity. When Hux released his hand, Ren frowned and tilted his head questioningly before Hux pressed it against Ren’s chest.

“What will be left of me if I do?” Ren finally asked after a long silence, whispering.

“The Supreme Leader.” Hux snorted, shrugging and trying ignore the half smile Ren gave him in return, “ _Kylo Ren_.” he added, more seriously this time at which Ren simply nodded.

They both fell quiet, imperceptibly leaning towards each other. Hux wasn’t sure what he should be saying to Ren - he himself had made a name for himself through struggle and blood and was only just starting to realize that perhaps Ren was simply trying to do the same. That he was trying to make something out of what he had. The force, the power, the Order, _Hux_.

“I killed Snoke, not the girl.” Ren whispered, leaning towards Hux with his eyes barely open.

Hux’s mouth twisted, eye twitching as he stared quietly at Ren.

“I asked her to join me.” Ren added when he realized Hux wasn’t going to say anything.

“Of course you did,” Hux scoffed, ignoring how Ren arched an eyebrow at him “She’s strong. She’s has the force. You’re the same, in some ways. Why wouldn’t you want her by your side?” he added, and Ren nodded.

“She refused. She doesn’t want to rule.” Ren whispered.

Hux shook his head and imperceptibly clenched his fingers against Ren’s chest. He was displeased to hear this. He wished Ren hadn’t told him he had killed Snoke. He wished he hadn’t known already, deep down.

“I loathed you.” Hux finally said, almost gasping on words he felt like he had kept inside for too long, “You always acted like a spoiled child around _my_ ship and Snoke indulged you. And I couldn’t do anything about it. It was infuriating.”

Ren averted his gaze, staring out of the viewport again. Hux could feel Ren’s breath hitching under the hand he had pressed against his chest. He wasn’t sure if Ren was angry, but he didn’t move his hand. 

“What were you expecting to accomplish by letting anger lead your actions?” Hux asked.

“Anger is the most primal feeling. It’s what’s makes me strong. And you too. Jedi spend their life trying to contain it. They spend so much of their energy and time on restraining their abilities. It weakens them. Anger is grounding. It’s empowering. _Your_ anger is empowering to me.” Ren said, breathing fast.

Hux simply shook his head. He raised his hand again and carefully placed it against Ren’s face who looked back at him, eyes wide. Hux observed the look of unmasked surprise on Ren’s face, unsure himself of what he was doing. He pressed his thumb against the scar on Ren’s cheek who closed his eyes as the leather glove traced the scarred skin.

Hux stopped his movement at Ren’s jaw and looked up at him. Ren wasn’t moving at all, breath still and eyes closed. He knew Hux was testing him after what had happened in the medbay and silently accepted it. Even when Hux pressed his thumb against his bottom lip and pulled on it, even when Hux’s face came so close to his that he could feel his breath against his mouth. Ren stood still, expecting. Hux suppressed a smile as he pressed his lips against Ren’s, dropping his hand and tilting his head enough to allow Ren to kiss him back.

Hux sighed softly when he felt a large hand steadying his neck, closing his eyes as he leaned against Ren’s body, his own hands resting on the man’s shoulders. They stood like this for a moment before Hux let his fingers slide into Ren’s hair who imperceptibly gasped against his mouth.

Before Hux could do anything else, he was pressed between the railing - now hitting the middle of his back - and Ren’s body. When Hux realized Ren was tentatively trying to deepen the kiss, he sighed quietly and let their tongues meet in lazy strokes.

It was sloppy and wet and Hux realized Ren probably didn’t know any better, but he still gripped at Ren’s hair to deepen the kiss as he let himself be overwhelmed by the feeling of Ren’s strong body pressing against his, hands gripping desperately at the back of his uniform and Ren mouth bruising his lips.

When Hux finally pulled back, gasping for air and cheeks flushed, Ren looked at him wild eyed and pressed their foreheads together, lips still hovering against Hux’s.

“That went better.” Hux whispered against Ren’s mouth, his fingers stroking Ren’s neck.

Ren nodded lightly, still anxiously gripping at the back of Hux’s uniform.

They stood still, quiet and pressed against each other. Hux let his forehead rest against Ren’s chest who gently rubbed the small of Hux’s back in return.

“This is insane, you realize that?” Hux finally said, smiling in disbelief.

Ren shrugged and held him tighter.

  


The day went on and Hux didn’t see any more of Ren. He knew he was on leave and supposed to be resting in his quarters - or to do anything beside working, but the memories of the ambush were making him nervous and he knew he wasn’t the only one. He had to double his precautions now at every request he sent and every meeting he planned to attend so he would not end up in the same situation again. He spent most of his day glued to his holo-pad, sending requests to find if what happened to him had been planned by the Resistance, requests for more resources so they could finally start building a base on the new planet, requests for more weapons, and so on and on.

Before he even realized it, it was already the end of the day and Hux finally noticed how exhausted he was. When he finally reached his quarters, he just slumped at his desk. Head buried in his forearms, he ignored the stinging of his scar and sighed. His entire body was hurting and he felt a headache pounding at his temples.

He kept his eyes shut, ignoring the tears threatening to fall. He knew he couldn’t break down now - it wasn’t the time, he couldn't afford it, not again.

He had been doing so well in the last few weeks. Clutching his fists, he felt a tugging in his head that he hadn’t felt in a while now.

“Go away, Ren.” Hux whispered, too tired to fight it.

Silence. The same awkward feeling at the back of his head.

“Please.” he asked, softer this time.

The feeling persisted for a minute, and then it was gone.

Hux isn’t sure when he ended up falling asleep on his desk.  


When he finally woke up, early the following day, he was in bed. Hux frowned, sitting up and looking around him. He was pretty sure he had fallen asleep at his desk the previous night, his neck and back still sore from sitting in such an awkward position. Hux rubbed his eyes and got up, heading in the refresher to get ready for the day. As he stood there, thoughtful, he decided to try something.

“Ren?” he tentatively whispered, awkward at the idea of talking to himself.

For a moment, there was nothing and he shook his head. Then he felt it. He felt Ren. Hux lowered his head, feeling his cheeks flush at the absurdity of the situation.

Ren was quiet, but Hux could feel him lingering in his mind. He bit his lip.

“Were you here? Last night?” he asked softly.

For a moment he thought Ren was not going to answer.

“ _Yes_.” Ren finally admitted, voice low “ _You were upset. You still are_.”

“Of course I am, Ren.” Hux said through gritted teeth, cheeks flushed at the idea that Ren picked him up and put him to bed “Don’t just come into my room when I’m asleep!”

Ren said nothing, and Hux sighed in frustration.

“ _You were exhausted_.” Ren simply said, as if that explained his behaviour.

“Of course I was. I haven’t been able to get a full night of sleep in ages.”

Hux left the refresher, putting on his uniform. He sat at his desk and grabbed the holopad he left there the night before, and went through his messages.

“ _Why won’t you just rest_?” Ren asked and Hux scoffed.

“Because I can’t. I have too much work. I need to do my job, I need to do your job. I’m doing everyone’s job. And I’m tired of it, Ren.” Hux said with more anger than he actually meant in his voice.

Ren was quiet for a moment, then he was gone. Hux frowned and pinched the scar on the bridge of his nose, ignoring how sore it was.  

He tried to think about anything but Ren’s strange behaviour as he kept on reading his messages and reports, and his even stranger relationship with him. Hux shook his head and got up, leaving his quarters. He had no time for internal struggles anymore. He had an Order to rebuild.

 

The day went by slowly. Boringly.

Hux was getting ready to leave the Finalizer - expected on their future base - when an officer walked up to him.

“Grand Marshal, the Supreme Leader is requesting you on the bridge.” the officer said, breath short - had he ran all the way here to find Hux?

Hux opened his mouth to answer, and froze. He stared at the officer who just stood in front of him expectedly. His mind was blank for a moment, lips parted as if he meant to say something.

“Grand Marshal Hux?” the officer asked, voice hesitant. He looked like he only wanted Hux to go to the bridge as soon as possible.  

“I - What did you just call me ?” Hux said, voice shaking. "I mean -" He coughed and straightened his back, “I will. Thank you, officer.” he added quickly, and the man nodded, looking less tense, before he left.

Hux frowned and asked his pilot to wait for him before he left for the bridge. He pretended he wasn’t almost running to get there.

 

When Hux finally found Ren, the man was discussing with one of Hux’s officers. He didn’t pay attention to what they were saying and walked straight up to Ren.

“You requested me, Supreme Leader?” Hux asked through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching when Ren didn’t immediately look at him.

“Yes.” Ren simply said, and finished his conversation with the officer before finally looking at Hux.

“Well?” Hux asked, ignoring the people staring at them.

Ren didn’t say anything else, simply stared quietly at Hux, eyes curious. Hux knew he was trying to read him and understand his behaviour. He felt his eyes twitch and his fists clench at his sides.

“I am requested to leave the Finalizer tonight, you are delaying me.” Hux finally added, frustrated by Ren’s silence.

“What has gotten into you?” Ren asked quietly. Quietly enough that only Hux heard him.

Hux frowned and stared back at Ren, joining his hands behind his back and anxiously licking his lips.

“Do you have anything to tell me, _Supreme Leader_?” Hux insisted on the last two words.

Ren observed Hux for a moment, quiet, before he averted his gaze in the distance. Hux waited for an answer and felt his hands shaking in his back. He tried to keep composure as he leaned towards Ren, voice lower this time.

“Grand Marshal?” he simply said, noticing how Ren imperceptibly flinched “Care to explain?”

Ren still ignored him, and waved a hand in the air.

“Everyone. Dismissed. _Leave_.” Ren practically growled the last word.

He didn’t need to say it twice, and the few people around them left in a hurry. Hux gritted his teeth. He hated the public drama that Ren seemed so fond of.

“Well?” Hux pressed, clenching his fists expectedly.

Ren sighed.

“Why are you upset?” Ren asked as he tilted his head, “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Hux felt a blush creeping in his neck. He hated when people called him out on his craving for power.

“Couldn’t you have _told me_?” Hux asked, “I am not upset. I am mad. Because you do not know how to _communicate_.” Hux raised a finger and pressed it against Ren’s chest, accentuating each of his words.

Ren stood still and blankly stared at Hux.

“You’re a brute. A coward. You’re all shouts and violence but when you have to face someone you’re just lost and confused!” Hux tried to stop himself from shouting, but he felt his cheeks flush.

Ren’s eyes darkened as he took a step forward. Hux stood still, quiet.

“I gave you everything you wanted. Everything you needed. Why do you still treat me like a child?” Ren said and Hux flinched at the clear anger in his voice.

“Because you act like one.” Hux said, voice steadier this time, “You cannot just barge into people’s mind, dig into their desires and think you will bend them to your will by giving them what they want.”

“I am not trying to bend you to my will.” Ren said with obvious frustration. “I do not want to rule _you_. I want you to rule _with_ me. I want you to realize I see what you think you are worth and I agree. I can give you what you want. Why won’t you just _take it_!”

Hux’s mind was buzzing and he realized that Ren was projecting whatever silly angered thoughts were rushing through his mind. Ren raised a hand, and Hux flinched.

“I’ll take it.” Hux said, taking a step forward, “I’ll take whatever you want to give me.”

Ren’s frown softened, disbelief washing over his face. Hux noticed how his shoulders slumped as he lowered his hand.

“Tell me what you want.” Ren said, voice calmer this time. As if he hadn’t been shouting at Hux seconds before.

“I want -” Hux started before his mouth twisted. He didn’t know what to say, “I want…”

Ren didn’t say anything, and offered him his hand. Hux averted his gaze before taking it.

“I need to leave. Ren.” Hux finally whispered, “I will be back in a couple of days. Please. Don’t destroy my ship.”

Ren’s mouth thinned, almost smirking.

“I can’t make any promises, Grand Marshal.” he said in a low tone.

Before Hux could protest, Ren pressed his lips against his forehead.

Hux felt his cheeks flush again and let go of Ren’s hand. They looked at each other silently, before Hux rushed back to the hangar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot isn't technically advancing much but the next chapter should be the last and the start of something new for the Order, Hux and Ren. Mid-way through writing this I realized I wanted soft and talkative kylux more than I wanted smut and plot. Sue me. I promise I won't take 500 years to write the last chapter (maybe).  
> I also don't know how to write kisses, my bad (that's also the reason why smut won't happen).
> 
> Grand Marshal Hux still sucked dick for his promotion.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took waaaaaay too long to write this and it's barely 800 words, BUT!   
> I kind of regretted not ending the story last chapter. I felt like I could have added this at the end. It is more like an epilogue, and I feel like I wrote everything I had to say. I wanted to leave a soft, open ending.

When Hux finally reached the planet and set foot on his again, it wasn’t raining. 

He spent most his day going from place to place to discuss with the officers and troopers stationed at different strategic points of the planet. He knew they would soon be able to settle here and the thought made him smile in spite of himself. He’d been able to busy himself enough all day, rushing between the different people he had to see and meetings he had to attend, that he hadn’t thought much of Ren after he’d left him on the Finalizer. 

But when he finally managed to relax, back at the shuttle, he leaned against the ship and looked up at the darkening sky. He thought about the Knight and their strange relationship, and he realized that he had been much happier lately. 

Maybe Ren wasn’t so bad after all. _ Maybe. _

 

The next time they saw each other, weeks later, Hux greeted Ren after his shuttle landed.

Hands behind his back and face straight, he looked at Ren as the Knight got off the ship and slowly made his way towards Hux. They simply stared at each other, surrounded by troopers, and Hux noticed how Ren’s features softened. 

“Supreme Leader,” Hux almost whispered “Welcome to the new First Order base. Shall I show you around?” 

Ren nodded at him, and stood close to Hux as they walked out of the hangar. Ren stayed quiet as Hux started showing him around, obviously proud of the progresses they had made. Ren looked at Hux, distractedly listening to him. 

“If needed, I will of course head back to the Finalizer,” said Hux, slowing his pace and turning his head to look at Ren, catching his attention again “Though I believe I am of more use stationed here.” 

Ren hummed and looked at Hux. They stopped walking. 

“Should I take care of the Finalizer on my own?” Ren asked, a smirk forming at the corner of his mouth. 

Hux frowned and crossed his arms, looking up to Ren. 

“I obviously don’t trust you enough for that,” Ren snorted “So perhaps you should stay here as well. At least for a bit.” 

“I agree. I currently have no use in flying around,” Ren nodded and Hux arched an eyebrow “I guess I could stay. Until we have better leads on the Resistance, and a plan.” 

“ _ And a plan _ .” Hux agreed and Ren nodded. 

 

They kept quiet, standing close to each other. Ren distractedly looked around, imperceptibly pressing against Hux’s side. Hux observed him when he he started staring at the rain out of the window, and thought he was thankful they were safe in a building this time and not drenched in a swamp. 

“Do you still believe this planet suits me?” Hux asked as he looked out of the window as well. 

“Mmh,” Ren hummed as he glanced at Hux “Kind of. Unpredictable, cold. Sounds just like you.” 

Hux shook his head as he tried to keep himself from smiling. He glanced around them, and slipped his hand into Ren’s when he was assured they were alone. 

 

“I would say you are the unpredictable one.” Hux finally said, feeling Ren squeeze his hand. 

Ren nodded and lowered his gaze, staring at the ground for a moment. Hux listened to the rain hitting the window. 

“Would you follow me if I did something unpredictable ?” Ren asked, voice low. 

“Depends,” Hux said and Ren looked at him “Depends on what you did.” 

“What if I joined the Resistance? Would you follow me?” Ren said and Hux widened his eyes with obvious disgust on his face. Ren snorted. 

“Kriff no.” Hux finally answered and Ren nodded, holding Hux’s hand tighter. 

“I wouldn’t either. If I were you.” 

Hux shook his head and leaned against Ren, his head resting against his shoulder as he sighed. He felt a blush creeping in his neck when he felt Ren’s head resting on top of his.

“Do not worry, though,” Ren whispered “I would not give up my title of Supreme Leader so easily. And what’s the point if you are not coming with me?”

Hux nodded imperceptibly and closed his eyes. 

“What would the Order do without their Supreme Leader.” Hux whispered back and felt Ren’s body tremble against him as he silently laughed. Hux smiled too. 

“And what would I do without my Grand Marshal.” Ren said, and Hux blushed again. 

 

They pressed against each other, hands still tightly joined, and quietly stared out of the window. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading this from start to finish. I am so thankful for all the positive feedback this story received and for all my friends who endured me complaining the whole time I was writing this. 
> 
> Special thanks to Shania for beta-reading, Axel for listening to me complaining and Jia for helping me out with soft kylux feelings. 
> 
> Stay tuned for an X-Men|Kylux AU if you're interested!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback appreciated ! ♥  
> Check out my friend's adorable fanart for chapter 2 at http://stardhux.tumblr.com/post/169472140947/hux-let-go-of-rens-arm-only-to-press-his-hand !!


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